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Experiencing denial, especially when it recurs often, is anything but enjoyable. Someone is declining your work, delivering a definite “Not interested.” As a writer, I am no stranger to rejection. I began submitting articles five decades ago, upon finishing university. Over the years, I have had two novels declined, along with nonfiction proposals and numerous pieces. In the last two decades, specializing in personal essays, the rejections have grown more frequent. Regularly, I receive a setback multiple times weekly—totaling more than 100 times a year. Overall, denials over my career number in the thousands. By now, I could have a master’s in handling no’s.

So, does this seem like a complaining tirade? Absolutely not. Since, at last, at the age of 73, I have come to terms with rejection.

In What Way Did I Achieve It?

For perspective: By this stage, almost each individual and their relatives has said no. I’ve never counted my win-lose ratio—doing so would be deeply dispiriting.

A case in point: not long ago, a newspaper editor rejected 20 articles in a row before accepting one. In 2016, over 50 book publishers declined my memoir proposal before someone accepted it. Later on, 25 literary agents declined a nonfiction book proposal. A particular editor even asked that I submit potential guest essays only once a month.

My Steps of Setback

When I was younger, all rejections were painful. It felt like a personal affront. It seemed like my writing was being turned down, but who I am.

No sooner a manuscript was rejected, I would begin the phases of denial:

• Initially, disbelief. How could this happen? How could these people be blind to my talent?
• Next, refusal to accept. Certainly it’s the wrong person? Perhaps it’s an oversight.
• Third, dismissal. What do any of you know? Who appointed you to hand down rulings on my labours? You’re stupid and your publication stinks. I deny your no.
• After that, irritation at the rejecters, then frustration with me. Why do I put myself through this? Am I a glutton for punishment?
• Subsequently, negotiating (preferably mixed with delusion). How can I convince you to recognise me as a once-in-a-generation talent?
• Sixth, depression. I lack skill. Additionally, I’ll never be successful.

So it went through my 30s, 40s and 50s.

Excellent Precedents

Certainly, I was in good fellowship. Tales of creators whose work was originally declined are legion. The author of Moby-Dick. The creator of Frankenstein. James Joyce’s Dubliners. Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita. The author of Catch-22. Nearly each renowned author was first rejected. Because they managed to overcome rejection, then possibly I could, too. The basketball legend was not selected for his high school basketball team. Many US presidents over the past six decades had previously lost elections. The actor-writer estimates that his movie pitch and desire to appear were declined 1,500 times. “I take rejection as a wake-up call to motivate me and keep moving, rather than retreat,” he remarked.

Acceptance

As time passed, upon arriving at my 60s and 70s, I reached the final phase of rejection. Peace. Now, I better understand the multiple factors why someone says no. To begin with, an editor may have just published a like work, or have one underway, or simply be thinking about that idea for a different writer.

Alternatively, more discouragingly, my submission is of limited interest. Or the editor believes I lack the credentials or reputation to be suitable. Perhaps is no longer in the business for the content I am peddling. Or was too distracted and reviewed my submission too fast to see its value.

Go ahead call it an awakening. Any work can be declined, and for whatever cause, and there is pretty much not much you can do about it. Many rationales for denial are always out of your hands.

Your Responsibility

Additional reasons are within it. Admittedly, my proposals may occasionally be ill-conceived. They may not resonate and impact, or the point I am attempting to convey is insufficiently dramatised. Alternatively I’m being too similar. Maybe an aspect about my punctuation, notably dashes, was annoying.

The key is that, in spite of all my years of exertion and rejection, I have succeeded in being recognized. I’ve published multiple works—the initial one when I was 51, another, a personal story, at older—and over numerous essays. These works have appeared in publications big and little, in regional, worldwide outlets. An early piece appeared when I was 26—and I have now written to that publication for five decades.

Yet, no bestsellers, no book signings publicly, no spots on popular shows, no speeches, no book awards, no accolades, no Nobel Prize, and no national honor. But I can better accept no at this stage, because my, small achievements have cushioned the jolts of my setbacks. I can afford to be thoughtful about it all now.

Educational Setbacks

Setback can be instructive, but when you pay attention to what it’s trying to teach. Otherwise, you will probably just keep interpreting no’s incorrectly. What lessons have I gained?

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